Funny Parenting Thoughts

A chuckle a day keeps the crazies away…

1. If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent. ~Bette Davis
2. When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out. ~Erma Bombeck
3. People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one. ~Leo Burke 
4. As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it. ~Buddy Hackett 
5. Families with babies and families without are so sorry for each other. ~Ed Howe 

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Not Fun Dad Task Of The Day: Bedding Laundry

Oh, the sound of laundry, it just makes you want to cringe. At least it makes me want to cringe. I was never a fan, but I really began to dislike it when I had to start doing the kids’ cloths.  Man, all those little shirts and underwear…they take forever to put away!

That being said, for some reason, changing the bedding is really something I drag my feet on. I don’t know why. It’s not like I’m lifting heavy weight or racking my brain to find a cure for cancer. It really doesn’t even take that long. But, for some reason, I really hate to do it.

Does anyone else feel this way, or is it just me being a baby? I know it’s mostly me being baby, for sure. But does anyone out there have similar feelings?

It’s the whole act, pulling the covers off, balling them up, hoping they all wash and fully dry. Then having to pull the sheets on…often times, for some reason, the sheets are a VERY tight fit. Then you have multiple blanket levels in my house to contend with. And forget about all the animals, pillow pets, assorted misplaced toys, etc. on the kids beds. There’s hardly anywhere else to put all the stuff coming off those beds. It’s like a clown car for kid paraphernalia! It’s amazing how normal the beds look before and after you make the beds.

I don’t know, it’s probably just me. But…I’m just saying…bedding laundry is just not my cup of tea. But it gets done anyway, darnit! You betcha I’m an American hero.

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Dutch’s Spirits Sugar Wash Moonshine, Duckhorn Ruth’s Chris Wine, Alibi American Whiskey, Macallan Royal Wedding Limited Edition

1. New York state craft distiller Dutch’s Spirits is set to introduce a new label, Dutch’s Spirits Sugar Wash Moonshine ($23 a 750ml), crafted as a tribute to the company’s namesake—Prohibition-era gangster Dutch Schultz. Sugar Wash Moonshine joins Dutch’s Spirits Peach Brandy ($50 a 750ml) and its Colonial Cocktail Bitters ($18 per 4-oz. bottle) in the portfolio, which is currently available both on- and off-premise in the New York metro market.  Dutch’s, led by co-founder and president Ariel Schlein, is employing upstate contract distillers until its own Pine Plains, New York distillery—to be housed on a historic 400-acre estate that harbored a clandestine bootlegging operation bankrolled by Schultz—is constructed. About 1,000 bottles each of the Peach Brandy and Sugar Wash Moonshine were made for the first batch, by contract producers Still The One and Mazza Winery respectively. A Dutch’s spokesperson told Shanken News Daily today, “Dutch’s is currently building a temporary distillery on their site to pick up production while they build the main distillery, whose completion is targeted for the fall. They anticipate this temporary distillery will be complete around June.”
2. Duckhorn Wine Co. is partnering with Ruth’s Chris Steak House for the release of the new 2009 vintage of its Paraduxx Z Blend Napa Valley Red. The vintage will be introduced at the Duckhorn Portfolio Wine Dinners held at 81 Ruth’s Chris locations across the country on March 1. The dinners (priced at $110 per person) will feature a four-course meal with pairings of four wines from the Duckhorn Vineyards portfolio—Migration Russian River Valley Chardonnay, Goldeneye Anderson Valley Pinot Noir, Three Palms Vineyard and the Paraduxx Z Blend. The 2009 Paraduxx blend is already available at retail in limited markets in the U.S. for $48 a 750-ml.
3. New York City-based Panache Beverage, Inc. expects to release its new Alibi American Whiskey to the U.S. market in the second quarter of 2012. The company said it has already received pre-orders reaching 22,000 nine-liter cases. Priced around $25.95 a 750-ml., Alibi is distilled from American grain and aged for four years in new American oak barrels. It’s the first foray into the brown spirits market for Panache, whose portfolio also includes Wódka Vodka and Alchemia Infused Vodka.
4. Whisky Advocate has named Macallan Royal Wedding Limited Edition (46.8%-abv, £150/$237 a bottle) as its Speyside Single Malt Whisky of the Year. Individual winners from the 18th annual installment of the Whisky Advocate Awards are being unveiled one day at a time through February 13 at WhiskyAdvocateBlog.com, and will also be featured in the magazine’s upcoming Spring edition, due out March 1.

Source: Shanken News Daily

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Funny Parenting Thoughts

A chuckle a day keeps the crazies away…

1. A parent who has never apologized to his children is a monster. If he’s always apologizing, his children are monsters. ~ Mignon McLaughlin 
2. A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.  ~ Jerry Seinfeld
3. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. ~ Phyllis Diller

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Every Day Is Like The First Day (And That’s Not All Bad)

Is it me? Is it just my kids? Am I just insane? Or does it seem like each and every day is the first time your kids have ever lived a day before…at least when it comes to things like getting ready for school or cleaning things up.

I mean, it’s the same story every morning. Does this sound about right?

Kids wake up and try to sneak into the living room to watch TV. I get up and start getting breakfast and their lunch ready. Once it’s ready, I tell them to sit down. They ignore me, in a trance. I say “turn it off, time for breakfast.” After 3 times, I get angry and then they look at me, dazed and puzzled, as if to say “what do I do with said breakfast, and why do I need to do it right now?” I then have to remind them that we have to get ready and go to school. Again. As usual. There’s a meek and faded sense of acknowledgment at that point. We then have to actually have them accept the food that is given to them (“daddy, I wanted X”/”daddy, I don’t like Y”). Then we have to have them eat, without spilling it all over and without annoying the crap our of each other in the process. Once that is done, it’s vitamin time…a good time since it’s all like candy (gummy, goodness I must say). Then, it’s time to wash up. Inevitably at this point, there’s whining and the questions of “why do I have to wash up?” and “do I have to wash up right now?” Again, I remind…school. After that (yes, you do have to wash your hands, your face, and brush your teeth) is completed, we have to dress them. This is a process, usually with my daughter who has to wear frilly, swirly dresses even when it’s snowing outside. Throughout the process I keep reminding them that we have to hurry or we’ll be late. Late? Late for what? We have to be somewhere, and at a certain time? Really?

It’s remarkable, it’s constant, and it’s something I cherish being able to do each morning. I know it will end soon, so despite the madness and fits of rage, I do try to enjoy every minute of it…right down to the piggy back walks to school and the kisses good bye. These are good times. Fleeting and good.

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How Can You (children) Be So Loud (so often)?

It truly amazes me how loud my kids are. They are so little yet so loud. I mean, really, truly loud. I mean, really truly most of the time. It never ends. Unless they are engulfed in a TV or Nintendo DS induced coma,  they are loud.

I have tried to measure this phenomenon. The ratio of loud to body mass index is off the charts. It’s like solving for the true value of Pi (not that round of stuff). It could very well be man’s greatest mystery.

I’m sure it’s perfectly normal, I’m sure every kid is like that. I’m sure I was like that, as well as you. But, really, how? How is it possible?

From the minute  they wake up to the last gasp before bed. I ask them to keep quiet because mommy is sleeping. That lasts for 28 seconds. I ask them when I’m on the phone. That lasts 31 seconds. They truly forget. I don’t think it’s a malicious attempt at getting attention or at irking me. They are just loud, by nature. Like a pack of wild dogs.

Sometimes, like in the bathroom, I feel my eardrums being demented. I have to cover my ears. It’s like a sonic boom, warping my brain. It could be a weapon vs. terror. Have one kid in a bathroom on every plane, then pipe the sound in if something is going down. Problem solved.

The only time they are not really loud and not entranced is when they are trying to hide from me or do something they should not be doing. With the hiding, they forget, too, though…and start making noise so I find them after 33 seconds. Doing something naughty…that’s pretty solid silence.

Am I crazy here? Does anyone know how this is possible? I, and my sanity, would just love to find out.

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